just woke up and he was jacking off in the corner.. am i being punked?
you refused to leave the drive-thru at mcdonalds until the cashier took a jello shot
Well he's not a stripper, so we're already doing better than my last date.
Well I will be attending the wedding with a flask of wine, potentially with a straw, and POM POMS for cheering purposes. Needless to say I will be well lubricated by your arrival..
Guess which fraternity was just playing car to car frisbee in the McDonald's drive thru! Did you guess mine?
He was dressed as a cowboy and he was dancing with my ex roommate. So I took his gun and pistol whipped him with it..then somehow we still slept together..
In my dream, you became a famous tap-dancer. Congratulations.
You got a write up and a first aid award all in the same night. The don was impressed!
Go to a building you've never been before and take a shit. It's marvelous
Is it possible to be sexually attracted to someone's hair?
I might go bald with this hair pulling thing every night.
You snapped me at 3am drunk laying on your floor asking if I knew how we couldn't have predicted the housing crisis.
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
She is beauty she is grace
she’s masturbsting in front of an open window while drunk af 9am
i thought you had class
I think I broke my dick but 10/10 would definitely do it again.
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