I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
I found your twin in sf. His name is ryan. And you are the evil one.
yeah after seeing those pics of her puking into my underwear drawer i remembered again why i didn't want to invite her.
you didn't check your sock drawer yet did you
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
so are you any less fat since you started doing blow?
you were mass sexting so we took your phone away
i am exhausted. it's been years. we both know his dick is small. the jig is up.
I feel like somebody took my brain out. Stomped on it with cleats. And then put it back together with a glue stick. Thank you.
BRILLIANT IDEA: In honor of summer olympics we need to start a synchronized drinking team.
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
I can't wait to see you again...not a euphemism, just really looking forward to seeing you. Wanting to fuck you as often as possible just seems implied at this point.
him and the cab driver we buy e from got into a fist fight, about which show is better, futurama or family guy.
You just sat there staring at your apple and saying "I'm so glad you're here" to it every time you took a bite.
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
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