somebody snuck up and got me drunk
shes got a really nice body. but her face is eh.
you dont need a face to have sex
who knew getting puke in ur hair could make it look so cute and curly. minus the crusty puke part
so today I found out that she used to be a he....
are you gonna get a divorce?
i've lived in the woods for so long, as long as its post-op, i don't care.
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
DO NOT EAT ONE OF DONOVANS WEED RICE CRISPIES. I REPEAT DO NOT EAT IF YOU VALUE YOUR EYE BALLS
I'm taking stock of m life as of right now and my Friday night plans are to drink a 30 rack by myself so I can have a tv stand when it is finished
I watched you fall asleep, sitting up, eating a cinnamon roll. You proceeded to wake up...smile at your cinnamon roll, ask it how it got into your hand and then began eating it again. You asked me if you were ridiculous last night, define ridiculous.
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
I cannot believe all 4 of us had sex at the same time, in the same bed... And it didn't turn into a foursome..
All I did today was eat pizza and use my vibrator.
Congratulations you now have a pet Scotsman.
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