it's one of those mornings where you are proud of yourself just for waking up.
Just got cockblocked by coyotes. This would happen to me.
we hooked up. but it was that weird mix of getting naked and watching Balto that made it so awesome.
Apparently as she was dragging me out of the club, I was clinching onto this european guy screaming at Jenna: that's the 12th time you've cockblocked me tonight
Long story short, the rash from your last birthday party told me not to go to this one.
I was woken up at 4am by a stranger shaking my foot who said I looked like I needed a cigarette.
Taco Bell drive through. Chick got out of the car in front of us and threw up on the hood of my car!
Not okay.
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
It feels like one of my ribs evaporated.
Poking every semi-decent guy on Facebook in the hopes that one of them will want to hook up with me tonight. So far all i've accomplished is 5 new poke wars which i will most certainly continue after this weekend.
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.
You need to finger her with the Spock hand sign since she loves Star Trek.
I am become drunk, destroyer of all worlds
Randomize
