Don't feel too badly. Until twenty minutes ago my paper was a heading and a pizza order.
I will come over now to take full advantage of you in your vulnerable state.
Fine. I should warn you I just threw up in danas fish tank. Fish are dead. Livers dead. I smell and look like a dead animal. And not showering. So deal with it.
maybe volvos are so family friendly and safe because they're extremely uncomfortable to get fucked on.
When I ask you to make sure no ones coming while I'm changing.. The logical friend would keep watch. But you my, best friend come stand in front of me and flash everybody.
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
Let's be honest, your relationships fail because the man you're looking for is the equivalent of an intellectual blow-up doll.
His penis smells like laundry I just wanted to cuddle it
I'm mopping my WALLS now. And talking to my mop. I literally just told it "yeah I kno that dirt doesn't wanna come off but were gonna get aren't we?" This is some good snow!!! mini maid needs to give it to their maids. The world would be spotless!!!!
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
Is it weird that I'm looking up pubic hairstyles?
I'm ordering dildos in a santa hat. You?
I’m home.
I’m aware. I just dropped you off.
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
We're in an alley with a psychic wizard, shes reading our palms
Randomize
