Sign #1 this conference will suck: Ice breaker question, how many proud virgins do we have in the room, overwhelming response. Looks like I'm not getting laid this weekend.
i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
If Bret Micheals dies..will VH1 have to go off the air?
I seriously dont think i have ever ridden a horse sober.
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
I was passed out on the dog bed yelling "I UNDERSTAND"
Should have told me the night we were talking about deal breakers that vomming outside your car was one of them. I would have taken a cab back
In order of importance: Where am I? Where's my car? Where are my clothes? Who is this chick in the room?
Anne's couch, the bar, your car, Anne.
I let a naked juice spill down my leg for like 30 minutes bc i thought i was hallucinating that my leg was cold.
You have to keep an eye on her tonight cause you know how she likes to pickpocket people when she's drunk.
it's a drink the shower water kind of morning ...
maybe facebook could make a notification like "someone tagged a photo of that guy you used to bang and still think is really hot with his shirt off"
I have vodka and 50 pizza rolls best spring break ever
I'll just go on tinder. Seeking strong male to help take apart ikea furniture and move. I'll touch your dick.
Randomize
