we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
She brought an overnight bag to my party. Might as well have shown up wearing only a thong and a bottle of whip cream in her hand.
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
Lost another pound. Switching from beer to hard liquor did this body good.
and being hungover still at 4 in the afternoon is NOT "having allergies"
You just kept screaming at everyone 'not to break your scarf' and doing somersaults
I can feel my ovaries exploding thinking about them.
Nothing says Panama City like condoms washing up on the shore.
Two cats fucking in the middle of the street. I sat there and watched in my car because I didn't want to cock block the male by honkin my horn.
CURSE YOU AND YOUR SEXY LOGIC
Doing blow in the bathroom isnt the same without you
Do a rail off the baby station in my honor
I got horny for like a second but the eggplant snapped me out of it
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
i don't like interrupting booty calls. thats just rude.
It's OK, I woke up in a drag queen's bed last weekend. It took me forever to get the glitter out of my cleavage.
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