so... another position just opened up(704) Oh really?(704) Is it John's?(704) Or did you find a new way to take a penis?
i popped this huge zit on her back while she was blowing me. it was like a disgusting metaphor for what happened 30 seconds later.
angela screamed across the room SHES A CHAMP when i told the pharmacist plan b doesnt make me throw up
I just wanna go home eat some pizza rolls, get warm and jerk off, and it's only 845. This shit was supposed to make me see unicorns. Not cry
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
Repeat the weekend mantra. "I like boys with teeth, I need boys with teeth, I deserve boys with teeth, I will have boys with teeth".
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
she made a facebook for her toddler.. his likes include lil wayne and ice luge. He has more friends than i do. I mean, Seriously? there's not enough booze in the world to make thanksgiveing bearable
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
First date was awkward. I think I just saw someone die.
My moral compass cannot be waived by two measly bloody Mary's
He started saying the pledge of allegiance so his boner would go down. Merica.
That's the 3rd guy I've made pass out from a bj. I may have super powers.
My one night stand ended up seeing me the next morning... For my interview. Guess who got a job.
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
Randomize
