you yelled that ur labia majora was swollen at 3 am in the dorm hallway
Just assessed the damage in the bath. Two love bites. One bruise on the inner thigh. Strange awareness of what i'm assuming is my cervix. I've definitely missed you. x
booty call hours are between 1:30-3:00 AM thurs-sat with the exception of major drinking holidays and election days. please try again
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
You think posting ushers "let it burn" video on his fb page is in bad taste? haha
Of course it was necessary for me to call the strip club and ask what their shower policy is. Smelled like she was wiping her ass with my eyebrows during that dollar dance.
So some sort of safe sex group just flash mobbed the bar by putting condoms over people's beers.
They left screaming as a hale of lubbed up condoms rained into their hair.
I don't feel bad about fucking old guys. That's what I want. It's what I likeeeeee.
the upside of dating someone over 21: he can buy me a pregnancy test AND a bottle of wine when he goes to cvs for me
Tell me again your tentative move date. There are 5 Russians in my apartment on ecstasy and they are having a rave in my living room. I can't. I need to move stat
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
He literally named all the parts of the vagina as he fingered me. No more pre-med virgins.
You kept telling everyone that you were as sober as a camel. I have yet to figure out what that means
Yo i still have 5 hrs left of work. I should not be this drunk
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
Randomize
