How does, "Im sorry I was such an intoxicated bitch, I didn't mean anything I said" sound as an apology.
I woke up in my girlfriends bed with another guy laying next to me. wtf.
I feel like you just avenged me for every guy who came in my hair
when your friendship is based on dead babies and vodka there is a delicate balance. lesson learned. for what its worth, you are still my number one.
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
My girlfriend was pissed, so if I had to guess, i'd say I had a GREAT time last night
It's just like riding a horse. A very tall, gay horse.
she had a concussion and she still scored nine points higher than me on the midterm
It all went downhill when I figured out I could launch myself into people with my crutches
Had to take him to the ER for not only alcohol poisoning but for stepping on a firecracker. Happy 4th holy fuck
Just tried to do a line with a snorkel I cut off... that is how my Aruba trip is going!
I was really excited when I saw a billboard for neverbethirsty.org this morning. Then I realized it was for a church.
We have sober sex! It's a real relationship.
You looked at the bouncer while you pissed on the front door of the bar and said...who the fuck are you?
it was like 6 shots in and he was automatically my type
Randomize
