I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
just got high and bedazzled my bra. other than bleeding from the prongs life is so good.
if we break up, who will get the dealer?
Dude, I fucked her last night with nothing but my bandana on. Like straight Indian chief style.
let's just say I never want to get pulled over and have to explain to the cop why I'm wearing a false beard again.
My dad caught me fucking in the pool last night. He proceeded to tell me I needed to "quiet things down" while this guys dick was still in me. Worst daughter ever.
We made a water bong out of a wine bottle... Being an architect major finally payed off.
I'm using the bullet from my cock ring to massage out my tmj lock jaw from giving too much head.
From now on I forbid you to refer to it as a "bed". From now on you must only use the phrase "sex wagon".
Made out with a chick in front of a girl I'm banging and successfully reDENNISed her within 9 hours
This band has the most fuckable violin player I have ever seen.
I brought her cheeseburgers and tequila but she's still mad at me.
He said a lot of nice things about me, it was really uncalled for.
My apartment stinks of burning failure
Randomize
