Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
Sex on bubble wrap = best decision ever.
all I remember was being half naked drinking water on my hands and knees from her dogs water bowl.
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
I'm at the point in my life where I'm trying to get guys I've fucked to give a ride to guys I'm going to fuck.
I found his retainer in my ass crack. It smells like shame.
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
You called your ex's vag an "AIDS Pinata". Drunk You is the Hulk Hogan of insults.
I have to be at work in a hour. Can you sufficiently fuck me in 35 minutes?
Get you some cowboy.
In that sentence you are the cowboy. That is not saying you should get a cowboy for yourself.
Spent fifteen minutes in the car thinking i was psychic before i realized the cd was not on shuffle
I need more social interactions that don't involve sex
Will you bring a case of beer down to the hot tub? Me and Phil don't want to feel feelings anymore
All I've had to eat today are potatoes...and by that I mean vodka and chips
its liver damage thursday
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