I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
What the hell do I have to do to get some foreplay around here? This sucks.
I think you know the answer.
How can I marinade myself in Vodka?
i've decided that sluts are like cars. they may look good as hell on the outside, but you never know what kind of shit is hiding under the hood.
Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
Remind me if I threw up on you last night or if that was just a dream.
We listened to Rod Stewart Pandora and slow danced in the shower.
We're not in high school anymore. I'm not going to pretend to be impressed as he butchers my favorite songs on his guitar. I just wanted to get laid.
I just encountered the same creepy guy I showed you, he jumped inside the dumpster screaming.
I wish I was there to have sex with you on the plane to lessen your anxiety.
That's the nicest thing anyone has over said to you.
I spilled a whole plate of queso and salsa on my bed so I'm just eating it off my sheets with chips. How's your night going?
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
Even his sexts are poetic. He said breasts instead of tits so I'm gonna lock this shit down asap
I told my parents how nice the girl at the frogurt store was. I neglected to mention that I nearly lost my virginity to her via foursome.
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
For future reference: bathtub full of cheeseburgers = win.
Randomize
