I don't understand why she insists on me walking her to the door. She came over for literally 8 minutes, we had sex, and now I need her to leave. That fake chivalry will change nothing about the situation.
Are we in a gay sports bar?
where am i from again
I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
Could you please tell them to stop whispering "thundercunt" every time I walk in the room?
It wasn't until that morning that I realized I wasn't actually dreaming, finding myself in the bathtub with someone laying on me
PS- I just ordered a two man zebra costume. Would you like to be my back end?
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
I just busted my piggy bank to afford McDonald's. This is my personal cry for help.
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
how do i say "cradle the balls" in Italian
Bold words for someone NOT on a unicycle
Randomize
