Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
never let anyone you met on skype borrow your car. lesson learned.
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
I look like a zombie and smell like a stripper. Its gonna be a good day.
All I'm asking for is flower occasionally, and in return you get to come home to me naked in heels. Is that to much to ask for?
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
ALWAYS CAPS LOCK. IS THERE EVER A SITUATION THAT DOES NOT CALL FOR CAPS LOCK? NO.
Sexting? Sexting in caps lock seems rather unnerving.
I WANT YOUR BODY AND I WANT IT NOW.
I rest my case.
It was like getting a handjob from a frost giant
btw im having a "its finally warm enough for a bbq in Toronto" party tonight. bring all the alcohol you have. and hamburger buns.
We got stuck in traffic in the tunnel while we were smoking weed. We were afraid to air out the car.
She shoved her hand down my pants and held my cock for thirty minutes in the bar. It was like she was letting all the other females know I was hers.
Just laying in bed, snuggling my cat, and pondering whether I'd like to attend a swingers party this evening...
I can't believe I watched you put a tampon in in the parking garage
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