fuck, i never want to drink again I drunk dialed matt last night and broke up with him the second night in a row. FUCK QUADFEST
I just want to make him a cookie cake that says "you have no chance with me."
great! i almost saw a gas station fight, and i believe i became the first person to successfully pee and puke in a bathtub simultaneously
I apologize for excluding you. On a better note: the stripper that made out with my wife friend requested me on facebook
You're just jealous because you lost me and I ended up at another party licking Marshmallow Fluff bikinis off of lesbians.
WE SHOULD MAKE A WORKOUT ROUTINE CALLED BARCARDIO
I just busted my piggy bank to afford McDonald's. This is my personal cry for help.
And amler is totally snoring loud as fuck sitting on the steps with her feet in a puddle of soda puke
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
So after taking my shirt off, he pulls my bra off like a hockey jersey. FUCKIN PRO. Guy knew what he wanted.
Is it possible to be sexually attracted to someone's hair?
I drank all the wines... and all th Doritos. Whilst watching Fat Camp. I need to reassess my values.
He lives in a tent in my ex'd backyard. Why the fuck would you want any of that dirty dick?
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
I woke up thinking it was Friday. I was disappointed (to say the least). I am pretty sure I have gained the quarantine fifteen (but I won’t know until I try to put something other than elastic-waisted shorts on). And I am probably going to need dentures because I am grinding my teeth so much. But hey--this is temporary, right?
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