How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
dude! the alphabet song and twinkle twinkle little star are like the same tune
what drug did you take to come to that conclusion??
Yeah I'm pretty sure at one point I was telling her to keep her dick in her pants. She was going to do some serious damage.
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
She told me I had to leave by four. We fucked until six thirty and we are the champions played on the way home. Yeah god knew
was it you or me who tried to make the, what appears to be, nacho cake in the oven?
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
He has pizza coupons and a hammer next to his toilet.
Judging by the fact that he asked me if i wanted to serenade him using cocaine and Taylor Swift I'd say I so have it in the bag.
You said something about how beautiful my pockets were, then walked away.
Yes talking about pockets is classic me.
Yeah, you went up to him and said "I stare at people until they feel obligated to talk to me."
Is it rude to ask for an autograph after giving him a blowjob in their hotel's hot tub?
Also, being stuck with my family all week has made it very clear that I need to be drunk and I need to be fucked pronto
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
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