i wish starbucks made bloody marys
Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
I walked in on him cutting a hole in the condom.
I could give you a full detailed description of 75% of the penises in that room
My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
the only thing keeping me going right now is the knowledge that in 2 hours i'll be drunk at the circus.
my hip hurts so fuckin bad. and I just found a half eaten burrito in my nightstand drawer.
The moment buddy the elf found out he was human is exactly like the moment I realized I was gay
So my new thing apparently is getting wasted, showing people my slytherin socks and convincing them I'm slytherin..because why not
Ok, not to minimize the significance of that beautiful anecdote from your childhood, but here's a video of my penis.
I've seriously never been more thankful for marijuana and my resting bitchface.
This chick walked up to me in the bar and started making out with me, then grabbed my drink while I wasn't looking and walked off.
I need an honest answer, no judgements. Would it make me a bad person if I fucked the other twin?
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
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