Yes give me all the cream and he's gone
he thanks me after handjobs.
you found the perfect man.
she just came into my room, drunkenly shoved six dollars into my bra and told me to spend it on chicken wings.
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
He passed out naked in my bathroom, then took a shower, then passed out again and then took another shower. Last time I let my brother visit.
Ahahhahaha I'm not that stupid but then again I thought cabo was in Africa until yesterday
I don't mean to ruin your favorite Disney movie...but...we both came when Mufasa died.
I'm ready to sell my soul to the strip club tonight
I just remembered you throwing bread at me and getting me to drink water out of a heineken bottle. You are my best friend.
You told me to keep you from drinking, but we both know I'm not that kind of friend.
You don't understand. There's baclava and there's post sex baclava. You can't compare the two.
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
I'M IN A SPINNING VORTEX OF SELF-HATRED AND HORNINESS
when i woke up w mysterious sticky crap in my hair, i assumed i had another blackout hookup. nope. turns out i made PBJ and proceeded to pass out in it. i ate the evidence when i woke up.
Tomorrow's lesson plan is going to be on hangovers and why drinking during the week is never a good idea. I hope my boss approves.
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