I haven't gotten laid in forever. I'm obsessed. I imagine I this is how Ethopians feel about food.
ice luge is my downfall...
...u mean upfall.
I have one thing to say: spongebath.
I wish that wasn't all you had to say. And by that, I mean I wish you hadn't said that at all.
If relationships were based on ego stroking and meaningless sex, we'd be soulmates
I was debating whether her purse was real then I saw her puke in it.
Ummmm you know you're drinking vodka out of a Skittles bag, right?
Are you really surprised she can't remember? That's like 50 people. I couldn't rattle off all 50 state capitols off the top of my head, you're bound to forget a few here and there
He made the Waffle House lady get me out of the car. This isn't a joke.
Best thing she said after I kicked her out "rugby guys have single handedly ruined my faith in men"
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
i just love the holidays, i hotboxed a gingerbread house last night
Your clever response has earned you a blow job this week
It's not even a normal fucking affair I've found myself in. It's a fucking bdsm clusterfuck.
She's nice. But even when I am with her I am thinking of her mom, literally the hottest woman on earth.
Ugh. All the good hoes are in their third trimester.
Randomize
