that was the first time i tried it. why is it all sticky? its like somebody threw a glue bottle at my face.
i literally laid in bad for an hour last night thinking of what i'm going to name my cats when i become a cat lady.
Ah why did you tell everyone you dragged your sac across my face!
I just found out that AAA will pick you up if you're drunk for free if you're a member. How did I not know about this?
I know I know. I considered playing it sober but after I typed out IS SHE A GENIE? I knew it was impossible to hide.
Just sucked my third dick in the past twelve hours. I must want AIDS.
i'll get you drunk even if i have to inject alcohol into your arm through an IV
you're the only one i would trust to do that
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
It felt like Party Santa dropped by and gave us two more 18-packs.
I just watched my mom get dick on Skype.
That d should have definitely been an s.
He pulled over in the Compass Bank parking lot so I could dry-heave, but I decided I couldn't vomit there because "I bank here."
She was chasing her shots with beefaroni and I think I fell in love.
Yo I get this girl alone in my room last night but she bounces cus she thought the full house poster was "weird"
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
It's still fucked up that my mom let me think Vanilla Ice was my dad for YEARS just because she thought it was funny.
Randomize
