he just invited me over for the 3 p's...pepsi pizza and porn...I'm gonna marry him
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
Its 11am everyones wasted wearing sombreros and eating fresh produce..cesar chavez would be very proud
I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
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We decided we needed a drinks fridge in our bathroom.
We found her on the trampoline. She told us she was jumping so she could puke & rally. I think I want to marry her.
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
He was the only guy who ever made me cry..
Who, the park ranger who made you dump out your beer on the beach?
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I feel like we should actually go to church one of these days to thank god for saving us from herpes and babies.
I am still sore from last night. I can't wait for you to meet my parents.
So I've been in more fights on one leg than I've had on two.
Hi I haven't talked to you since you bought legal marijuana-are you still stoned?
I don't know if the puke on my pants is mine or not
imagine the bill from school house rock beating the shit outta you
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