Is it sanitary to roast marshmallows over a cigarette lighter?
Pass out mid-funnel last night.
She gave him HEAD floating down the river in a tube as big a a tire. I just don't know how to compete with that sort of level of slut.
I just had to ask my dad for money to pay for my birth control. I've hit financial rock bottom.
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
I accidentally walked in the wrong house but I somehow left with a chicken leg. Good fucking night.
Trying to figure out what I just puked. Demon weed is salad. No more drunk buffets.
Her alarm in the morning was Best Day Ever from Spongebob. I'm have lots of conflicting feelings right now...
Bouncer came into the bathrooms to tell us the old one-person-per-stall rule, realised it was two girls banging, and left us to it. Lesbiperks.
Well just give me the address, I'll bring the bourbon. If they let that into mental institutions
He wants to pour butter pecan flavored coffee creamer on me and lick it off. I'm like, dude, gross. French Vanilla ok? Ugh.
Pants are for mortals
Pretty sure we ruined a bachelorettes life last night
I'm actually pretty sure the amount of alcohol I drank last night erased memories from other times in my life.
Randomize
