Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
so she called me drunk and made me stay on the phone with her while she puked.
You were petting your shoe and saying this makes me really happy
THEY WONT LEYT ME IN AND I REALLY NEED SOME FRUIT
Meeting girls and telling em you have no hair on your calves is not an acceptable pick up line
Was almost hungover and got scared, skipped hungover, back to hammered. Fuck real life
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
think I signed up for a 5k last night while blackout.
Is it really bad that my last patient offered to fuck my brains out if I gave her IV morphine...and I gave her my phone number and told her when my shift is over?
I have bruises from doing the splits on the poles, if that doesn't scream bourbon street regret then I don't know what does
That's what jaeger bombs out of teacups will do to you.
I mean go ahead and let your freak flag fly but if you could not fly it in my bed that would be great
bitch, i have a flask. i've got things under control.
god. marry me.
I just watched someone put a diaper on a cat..I'm to high for this.
I came so hard my ears popped.
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