Dancing like a fucking crazy person to jai ho with a snow ball in her hand. Snow days make her go nuts.
history professor just told us he has magic fingers. i'm going for it.
dude all my bootycalls are going to Eclipse tonight... Do I really want it that bad?
hooking up with my manager sounds like an even better idea while i'm sober.
She narrowed it down to 7 guys that could have gotten her pregnant.
Is it wrong that I want to take the baby bump in her facebook pictures as "meal-ticket"?
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
I gave up on alcohol forever for like 2 hours, that's got to be a new record
Eating a chocolate bar and crying over a cobweb. Life is beautiful and I love shrooms.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
oh. oh my god. i just had lunch with my mom with semen still on my face.
I've had to take two showers today and it's not even 1 o'clock. Why won't this weekend wash off?
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
I got so pissed i stormed off and threw his burrito on his windshield
Just letting you know that your little sister is now your eskimo brother. You can send a thank you edible arrangement to Tammy.
Randomize
