Highlight of my evening, pile of books falling onto me in front of people
SOME GIRL ON THE STAIRS IN FRONT OF ME JUST FARTED AND IT WENT STRAIGHT INTO MY MOUTH!
The little penguins are speaking with a hispanic accent. I dont know how to feel about it. Geographically speaking, this cant be possibly. This isnt cool.
Well at least he stopped keeping track of money by bottles of McCormick.
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
You missed out on a serious adventure. Cops were called. We put a chicken in someones house.
We can just keep having sex until one of us finds someone we actually like
I was about to attempt a citizen's arrest on my RA
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
The number of tpain songs that actually relate to my life right now is embarrassing.
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
Want to go swimsuit shopping? First one who cries buys ice cream.
I just remembered touching your bosses wife's fake tits last night. Thanks again for taking me to your work function.
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
i know were having a "heart to heart" right now, but does it make you feel uncomfortable that im sexting someone right now?
Randomize
