I think I just saw someone hide a body.
i'm surrounded by gay midgets. not sure if i'm bragging or asking you to come rescue me. wait for follow up.
It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
You should come over. I am making a celebratory I got laid by a huge penis cake.
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
My roommate says its rare that you can be tear gassed before you lose your virginity so i feel accomplished in life
Yes, he made a MIX CD for our booty call...
What can i say, i'm an artist. I think deep thoughts. In between the homoerotica and pterodactyl noises
I am a woman. I need to be selective about the porn I stream on my phone. Who knows if my cell will ever get lost, who will see it and what they'd think otherwise. Keepin' it classy tampa.
I'm serious. I have boob tassles if this is an exchange thing.
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
We were making out on the floor and his 13 year old beagle crawled in between us & just sat there...I got cockblocked by an ancient beagle named Bubba
Rum and your dick are involved. You're relying on the unreliable narrator.
...Just hit my fuck buddy with my car.
Randomize
