just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
You told her the u were going to wrap your dick around her neck and start her like a lawn mower. thats why she left.
Nobody is wearing shirts anymore. What is happening.
my brother came home with a bottle of vodka and his pants off. were gonna spend more quality time together.
Somehow after we left in 3 different cars to all go to different places we still all ended up in the emergency room
You're my spirit guide. This has to do with oatmeal cream pies.
bleeding from the face, sitting in a shopping cart and holding a wad of ripped caution tape. what else would i be doing?
Just made out with the guy who gave me my tour. Full circle college win.
I swear going to your house is like going to a strip club, no matter what happens I get glitter on me.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
I'M SO HIGH I FORGOT HOW TO EAT A STRAWBERRY. A FUCKING STRAWBERRY.
I could see the visible disappointment when she saw my penis
She pregamed while taking a shower. Came out clean and drunk.
Waking up naked and dehydrated has become a regular occupancy for me.
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
Randomize
