Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
you thought you were invisible so you started narrating your actions.
I got to the point where it seemed like she had 8 giant breasts instead of just two
Buying Plan B right after a lecture on feminism. It's nice to know who I can thank for that right.
he told me i smelled like babies and pine needles and he wanted to bathe with me. new boyfriend is not a keeper
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
He ripped off his socks and ran around the basement barefoot. His feet turned black. Then he chugged Parmesan cheese. He chugged dry cheese dude.
Fucked her on the patio while some dude drove by on a mower. He waved. Twice.
HE ASKED IF I HAD SIBLINGS WHEN I ASKED HIM TO LICK MY ASSHOLE
WHAT IF I SAT OUTSIDE AND STARTED SCREAMING THE LYRICS TO O CANADA WOULD THAT FIX IT
PLEASE DON'T
It was really strange. I feel like I had sex with a synchronized swimmer.
"I played a game called "how drunk can you get in a minute" last night. How was your Thursday?"
Put a Santa hat on my junk. He's wants to be festive too.
You know you hit Mardi Grad bottom when you come to in someone's kitchen on the floor and you are eating gumbo out of a Mixing bowl with a ladle......yeah rock fucking bottom
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
Randomize
