Like all of my pajamas are shirts of guys I shacked with in college
Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
He smothers me through text. I can't even image what he'd be like in person.
You were laying in bed whispering and crying to the half eaten burrito saying "why am I shitting so much" and "what did I do to deserve this"
You need a Jiminy Cricket, but for sexual decisions.
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
Wanna play whack-a-mole in my pants?
Your word choices worry me.
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
Did you really just reference your penis in a pep talk? I think I may love you more now.
They should make eskimo sister bracelets. OMG WE NEED BRACELETS WITH IGLOOS ON THEM.
Dude, he danced with the dog that some random chick was carrying at the bar. Then the dog jumped out of his arms and ran away. THAT definitely deserves a drink.
I was actually kind of excited. I mean, how many people can say they've been question by the CIA?
He waved at a guy who drove by while we were having sex in the back of a rental car in a hospital parking garage prior to visiting family. Almost made me feel guilty but I liked it too much.
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