Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
margarita scented body wash shouldn't be used the morning after cuervo. there should be a warning on the label.
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
Whiskey dick is like insurance for making bad decisions
And he's a cuddle champ. I know because I slept over because I don't know what boundaries are.
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
Step 1: Buy a house Step 2: Turn bedroom into sex dungeon
OK... But I need to shower first because I'm covered in stuff I definitely shouldn't have slept in
His boxer smelled like clean laundry while I was giving him head. It was delightful, like sucking a dick in a spring meadow.
Someone had to wrestle her in the chocolate pool, I'm glad I was man enough to step up and do it
You tried to run away last night. The neighbors brought you back.you were in their hot tub again. This needs to stop
Arrived home from picking Mom and Nana up at the airport to find Marc buck ass nude beneath the Christmas tree. Nana says she always knew I was queer.
Randomize
