??? When I first met her at the bar, she told me she was 23. After I bought her 3 shots of tequila, she told me she was really only 21. When we went back to my house, she said she was really only 19. She's still sleeping next to me butt naked. I'm afraid if she opens her mouth again I could be looking at 10 years.
i keep walking around campus wondering if anyone is as stoned as i am
he breathalyzed me before we had sex.
All I remember is doing a naked tuck and roll of your bed.
You were in subway at 3am showing everyone your tan lines
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
Liquid roulette time! Black Mystery Cups are filled with either ipecac, whiskey, or NyQuil. Let's have fun
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
The molly dropped while I was taking a shit. Do you have any idea how scary that is?
That does not seem like timing
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
I am going to MURDER whoever gave him my phone number but it was probably drunk me so I'm conflicted.
They found me wandering around campus screaming body shots over and over again wrapped in a curtain
I should probably eat a Plan B. Pill for breakfast. Happy Halloween.
But like, I don't remember getting hit with the door... I just come out from peeing and there was blood running down my face.
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
Randomize
