Worst part was I had to fart super bad and didn't want to ruin the room so I farted in a pillow and threw it under the bed.
twelve hours since my last beer and i just blew a .08, time to go to the library
words of advice: black light parties reveal cum stained clothing.
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
Walked into a liquor store bleeding. That kind of night.
Dude, I had to masturbate just to stay warm. Please pay the gas bill?
It's amazing how many friends she makes simply by carrying that flask of whiskey everywhere she goes.
I figured you left because I was a shit show. Were you still there when I got locked in the bathroom and didn't know where I was? If not, that could have been a dream. I'm still not sure.
Look if you're not going to be mine and take care of my needs, I'm going to fuck your sisters.
He let him chew on his fu man chew. The man has the patience of a saint
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
Any chance I can buy my dignity back with $45?
I guess I'm an especially affectionate person under the influence of tequila.
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
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