Signed everyone in my dorm up for free samples of astroglyde. Took me an hour. Happy new years!!!!!
So I was gonna stay in tonight but the president got me motivated! I will not quit. Bars here I come.
Valium party in the driveway. Attendance: 1. Don't make me do this alone.
don't ever tell me how terrible your next walk of shame is until you run into your little brother on his way to class.
I am assuming I was his dirty Mardi Gras mistake and I can live with that
They got their marriage license when they were at the courthouse for her arraignment.
I thought I walked in on an orgy of smurfs. Man I love shrooms
And I would just like to take the time to say my boobs look great today.
It's always awkward in the office the day after your boss sends you a dick pic.
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
God it's like my stomach is full of drunk bees
On my way home from the dentist. Was going to call and see if you would like to wake and bake, then remembered my sister is an adult
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
Your uterus is safe from my father's misconstrued prophecies.
My boss stocked the communal fridge with Gatorade. It's like he wants me to come in hungover.
Randomize
