There is no way he is gay with that hair.
i was more sad about losing him as neighbor on fishville than as a boyfriend
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
You were petting your shoe and saying this makes me really happy
The question of "Will I eat a piece of curried chicken off the floor?" has been answered tonight.
I don't remember what happened but judging from the contents of my pockets it had something to do with potatoes and glo in the dark condoms
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
You texted me 'I am the leopard prince', with a series of pictures of you posing in what seemed like cat poses. you were not "a little bit" drunk dude..
Oh I'm definitely going to hit on her, there's no question about that. What I meant by playing it cool is I'm not going to mount her on sight.
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
Well statistically J has a 1 in 3 chance of hospitalization when downtown
And a 3 for 3 for disapeearing
I got in an argument over whether or not I'm a slut. I argued yes.
My friends got engaged today and I learned the techniques of going upside down on a stripper pole. I'm not really sure who won...
Apparently I drunkenly told him I was going to ride him to the rodeo and break him like a bronco, then I stole his nachos and beer. Adulting is hard!!!
I ripped ass in on and around her face during a hard 69. I don't think she'll ever call me again.
Randomize
