I put the beer in my little red riding hood basket.
He's a firefighter, who has his own band. I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
she starting giving me head in the taxi..the driver told her to stop..she looked up, said "I'm the birthday girl", and kept on doing what she was doing.
After the concert, I paid a cab to drive me around the city so I could shout "dc highfive!" at everyone who passed for an hour and a half.
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
It's ok I'm watering my plants with a 40 in my camelback, people are staring
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
I may have had sex with him and told him we wasn't worth my time then went home and made mashed potatoes
I felt kinda awkward walking into his house in nothing but lingerie and my dead grandmas overcoat
he just used a semicolon in the middle of a sext
You peed in my kitchen, while crying and insisting my floor was a toilet.
Like did he really think I just hit him up for dick !? It's 11:30 am , these ain't hoe hours
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
Do not let Mike show you his naughty Santa Claus outfit. It's a super long beard and crotchless pants.
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