My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
I remember spending $50 at Ozzie's on Friday...my Visa remembers $120.
I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
you proceeded to scream out that it's your birthday to everyone who walked by before you collapsed in the middle of the street. happy 21st birthday to you.
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
High with mom again. She's giving me relationship advice.
Just streaked campus for a bottle of patron...maybe you're right...I might have a drinking problem...
I SMOKED SO MUCH I SKIPPED A DAY.
Everyone here is taking crazy amounts of mescaline and I'm just over here like hey have you tried the pretzel rolls mmm
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
I broke another vibrator the other day. Abstinence is not for me.
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
I can't have the last guy who touched my vagina be my coworker.
What part of I just want to watch porn, eat Taco Bell, and masturbate did you not understand?
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