Marg and I just meaowed the nat anthem. I was tenor.
'm tripping baaaaaaaaaaaaaaas
in vegas stuck in the middle of a pride right now
Pride?
thats a pack of cougars
go fuck yourself
I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
i need to break up with him. i realized this while i was making a mental grocery list while we were having sex. this is not the first time i've done that.
I'm sick of being broke. I had vicodin and frosting for lunch.
Tell your friends I said hi and that if they touch your penis I'll cut off their hands.
Whoever said that remembering a girls name is a basic rule for getting laid has never met me.
There was so much jailbait at the festival that there was no other option but to drink my morals away
Does puke ruin car paint? Good thing it's raining.
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
drinking vodka out of a wine glass to feel a little bit classier about myself.
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
all I remember is screming at her "I want you and your tortillas... DEAD"
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
The last thing I remember was them slipping shots into my beer bong, and me being happy about it
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