we just decided that lesbian tuesdays are a must, as of tomorrow.
Literally he has the smallest penis I've ever felt since 8th grade.
I just had a librarian tell me that "wikipedia is like sex"
When he expanded on the analogy it actually made sense. "you're going to do it either way, so I'm just going to tell you how to do it safely."
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
I'm in Starbucks carrying the boxes wine and the hubcap. So many judging looks.
I FEEL like I celebrated someone's 21st, but really I just celebrated Tuesday.
Matt you can be anything you want to be. Including the awesome guy that brings pizza to a bunch of stoned and sorta drunk kids.
I should make a collage of all the pictures of me caught doing slutty things
You proceeded to get into a playground school bus and yell "all aboard to Margaritaville!"
Just participated in the saddest thing: Cheetos. Handjob. I have lost at life
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
Somehow she talked me into getting my dick pierced, weird first date.
Listen all we did was not even pretend we aren’t each other’s type and live together and constantly encourage each other to get laid for 6 months.
Idk how it devolved into us fucking.
Apparently I have a "problem" because I enjoy doing bong rips in the shower
not only did he puke in his mouth and hold it.. He also sneezed while doing this
Randomize
