i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
I'm totally counting that party when he kept putting his hands down my pants as a date.
Don't worry. I just took 2 benadryls and beat off. I'm practically sleep texting
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
Remember the girl passed out in front of my fireplace?
Maybe shotgunning 4 days after oral surgery wasn't such a good idea after all...
Just asking. Could've given you a lap dance in a sombrero, drenched in corona and tequila.
God Bless cinco de mayo
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
Don't get me wrong, I love talking about lube and such, but why are we?
I just want you to know that I'm, like, 45% hard right now.
Dude. Going to the Theme park the day after the 4th of July was the worst idea I've ever had.
He literally said I should watch game of thrones while I was blowing him like is this the conversation you want to be having right now
I wore wrist and ankle weights while we had sex. Does that count as working out?
I'm getting married
To pizza
GOD DAMN IT I COULD HAVE HAD A MOTHERFUCKING 3 WAY LAST NIGHT. WHY BOOZE, WHY?!
Randomize
