I like you better when you drink
I like you better when I drink too
The police scanner is talking about you again....
Bartending School is so much more enjoyable now that I realized I was in rehab at this time last year.
It's like playing clue with my own life. I have to piece together what I did, where I was, how I did it, and who I did it to
Apparently I promised a worker at La Siesta free English lessons to make up for vomming all over the little Mariachi band.
Handle of 100 proof captain dressed like a pilgrim here we go
Haha...we lost by one cup to a guy w shitty facial hair. What makes me most mad abt the loss is that I could grow a better beard on my vag.
The highlight of your blackout was when you drunk showered with the garden hose and emailed your boss your vacation requests for the next year.
I think I hit my head on every surface in that apartment last night
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
Naked chocolate chip pancake making. I just spilled mix all over the place. My boobs are covered in flour. This is not going well.
You were sitting in a chair and you said "I just feel like a little fishy, floooooating through the ocean, so pretty"
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
I feel like a grown up and it scares me so I'm hiding out in the bathroom stall and messaging you
His dick smelled like strawberries...it was awesome.
Randomize
