Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
so i decided not to tell her that her fiance is cheating since i already bought the bridesmaid dess
Her tits were the only thing that upgraded her from "no way in fuck" to "drunken mistake"
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
She had the hiccups when she was giving me head. It was actually pretty awesome
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
almost got into it with the cashier. bitch dont look at me like that just cuz im only buying wine and icing. ill fight.
it wasnt a pity fuck per say. i wasnt attracted to her, but still thought 'that looks like a fun ride'
I have a third degree burn on my inner thigh from the blunt dropping on me in the car
Sext me about skeletons
As she came, she moaned Roll Tide. I kid you not.
He just stopped in the middle of undressing for sex to dip his slice of pizza in ranch. I think I’m in love.
"Fwd: Nice to meet you last night thanks for the tit flash" no recollec. i am officially banned from wearing tube tops to the bar.
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
Best single mom victory - getting eaten out in my dodge caravan in the hospital parkade at midnight.Three words: screaming multiple orgasms.
Randomize
