Important detail I forgot to tell you: leprechaun loves david bowie.
i sleep in a fine layer of vodka and semen. i don't know that that would appropriate for a pajama rally.
It's like a choose-your-own-adventure. But the adventure is already chosen for you. And it sucks.
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
Just saw a commercial bout this girl that lost 54 lbs on a taco bell diet. so thats my excuse.
A relator touring our house this week saw the picture in our bathroom of steven passed out, yellow faced, with BALLS on his forehead, and had to ask "if that kid was alive or dead".
I also have a full keg. I'm thinking about crashing a party, they can't get mad if I bring a keg of beer.
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
I pull out like 90% of the time, but that's just to make art.
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
he'll always be the guy that i fucked on the bathroom floor
It must have been good head...he put down the Xbox controller
At least you didn't have a hemorroid rupture while banging
somehow getting chased by a bulldozer was NOT on my to-do list for today. just saying
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
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