yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
I think I could pass a breathalyzer. But with like a C.
Said he had been eating pineapple for a week before our 1st date. Not sure if thankful for his consideration or offended by his assumption.
We had to put his head at the bottom of the driveway so the puke would run down. Now he's sleeping outside.
REAL PEOPLE DRINK 3 BEERS ALONE WILL WATCHING THE LIFETIME MOVIE ABOUT PRINCE WILLIAM AND KATE MIDDLETON
It feels like im being cuddled by a thousand little smurf vaginas
Why is there a cash register on top of my car?
Before you started puking your brains out, you took a moment to give me the correct order of the Harry potter series
Blacked-in to me, shirtless, giving myself finger guns in the mirror and rapping "stacks in the club stacks stacks in the club."
Appearently I went across the hall last night demanding to ride my neighbors moose... How much did I drink?
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
She's hot and all. It's just I don't want to become Eskimo brothers with my sister
I decided to do drugs in front of her because if anyone can handle the truth it's a ghost
My roommate just threatened to kill me with my own pan. Can I ever get away from the crazies?!
Remind me to NEVER AGAIN mix beer with tequila with beer with whiskey with vodka with rum with vodka.
Randomize
