once he started yelling at me in latin, i wasn't sure what we were fighting about anymore...
I'm gonna vom. In the dentist chair. Who makes a dentist appt for July fucking 5th.
theres a kid face down in the middle of campus... people are going about their day and paying no attention to him
keep an eye on me. i'm afraid that after a few more drinks i'll ask to borrow his wheelchair.
I'm glad we have the kind of friendship where if either of us is too drunk to fuck a hot guy, we pass the responsibility to each other and get the job done.
I just re read that. We really need to get our lives together.
Even my psychiatrist thinks I should fuck the married guy.
Two questions: what are you doing RIGHT NOW? and do you know how to drive a golf cart?
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
BRILLIANT IDEA: In honor of summer olympics we need to start a synchronized drinking team.
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
Omg. We have to workout today. I just looked at myself in the mirror and thanked a god I don't believe in for drunken boys and dark rooms.
It will pretty much be equal to the feeling I had when you let me hold your dick while you were peeing, or when I graduated high school!
My manager gave me an envelope with money in it before he had vacation, and when I asked what it was for, he said it will be his bail money.
Did I tell you about the swingers? Because I think they're trying to trap me.
Randomize
