Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
I just smoked a bowl while riding a horse. This has been a productive vacation.
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
I want to punch and suck your dick at the same time. I don't think we have the healthiest of relationships.
she wouldn't stop crying, so we sang her to sleep. i'm guessing you will find her in the same position by the toilet in the morning. night.
thank you TLC waking up to a water birth on tv really put the cherry on top of my hangover...
Being high is an amazing excuse. I was using him for the potential of a beret, come on. I'd do that sober.
He tricked me into going on a double date with him, I don't like that he's not using me for just sex anymore
apparently it's a turnoff if you ask a guy why he thinks he needs to use magnums
On our way there. Drinking my beer out of a coffee pot. Cuz it's my bday
The teenager outdrank all of us. All. Of. Us. I woke up and she was getting everyone water and fruit snacks. I give up.
Anyways, he came over at 3:30 am and ate me out while I ate pizza on the counter
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
I was really hoping my 420 would involve a lot more weed and a lot less buttholes
If everything else in my life fails, at least I just had one of my top orgasms
Randomize
