Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
The more I look at him the more I wonder why anyone would ever want any of his features to be a part of their childs face.
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
Had a student tell me he misses the old Four Loko. He's in 7th grade. No one is allowed to claim I started drinking too young ever again.
Dude, didn't you know? Its balls out wednesday.
I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
She looks like if Peter Griffin was a lesbian.
Run away.
Between the hair pulling and the choking its its more like combat than sex
Sorry I have an "Operation Iraqi Freedom" fantasy
I was having the most awesome dream about onion rings and you hit me and told me to stop touching you...WTF?
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
I think he just tried to put your boyfriend in a trashcan....
Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
Like you haven't hit rock bottom until you have had to throw your own turd out a window
Always a gay best friend, never a bridesmaid
Today is get drunk without showing anyone my penis day
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