On a side note I can sing drakes “best I ever had” so good you’d think I was on degrassi.
You have to stop making references to your extense knowledge of 13 year old girl television programming for me to believe you aren’t homo. The Bravo line-up was one thing, but seriously
Let me rephrase. Would it display my intentions too much if i walked all the way across my office and into the bathroom carrying my book
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
my grandma was just praying before dinner, and before she could finish my gpa lifted his glass and said 'and here's to avatar!'
We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
I woke up with a crunchy, pink Pepto streak through my hair, no recollection of the last 6 hours of my night and the feeling that all the hotel's staff knew me on a first name basis.
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
The best part about drinking boxed wine is you can blow up the bag and use it as a pillow
You went into the shower with my roommate and cursed him out asking why he was there
My night can be summed up in 3 words: Vodka. Threesomes. Hospital.
Hey are you going to the pride parade? If so get me a shit ton of condoms
i think my cat just said my name.
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
Haha do not judge my life style choices right now but me and Dj had sex twice and then he helped me pick an outfit out for my date
Randomize
