the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
Spotted: jayne dropping her cigarettes in a puddle...then picking them back up and putting them in her pocket. If i ever get that desperate, stop talking to me
It's just like soggy cereal, but cancerous
All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
My therapist said that she thinks i may have a sex addiction. I think she may be a terrible therapist.
Want me to drive you to Dr. Drew's sex rehab?
Nah, cause then i cant masturbate to that show anymore.
She compares her life to Teen Mom. She's 28.
you asked "if this appropriate to take the the bathroom?" while holding up a bottle of vodka when you went to pee.
Tell him I'm the girl who was excited he spoke English. Then ask him where he picked me up from.
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
Omfg amy I'm not kidding you I think a blow job is what landed me in the hospital
And then he said "if you were planning on bird feeding me that's not ok"
It started as ''I want a romantic life right now'' text. It ended with pool table sex.
My gynecologist got a full view of the obviously bite marked shaped bruises on my thighs. I just kept talking about work and hoped she wouldn't judge me.
Dude, someone puked in my washing machine last night, I tried turning it on to clean it...not a good idea
He was someone so memorable that I'd completely forgotten he'd existed up to and during the encounter
Randomize
