So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
I just sneezed cum. He better have a damn good day at work.
I just figured you know how to drive a boat and I know how to get drunk. What can go wrong
i can't believe you just compared my dick to leprosy
Its completely acceptable to go naked under my graduation gown right?
Some ppl might frown upon it but theyre prudes
Hey man, I found your crocs and your visor in the road. Got em for you.
this probably sounds so sketchy, but hes going to jail in a month so he needs a place to crash for now. Hes sick though, and hes paying half our rent
I think my Halloween costume this year will be made entirely of pillows and I'll be Marshmellow girl or Kirby. That way I'm comfortable, warm, and if I fall over drunk I'm safe.
He walked in at 7am saying that the police had his shoes and phone because he's being investigated for attempted auto theft.
Any time you've had a failed relationship, I blast No Sex for Ben by The Rapture and dance around my room. I wish I was joking.
Jill you already won the game by finding a dude who will fuck you in flamingo knee socks. Theres no hope for the rest of us
the quiet that you are hearing is a silent suggestion that you should go fuck yourself
Apparently today is power bottom appreciation day
the guy working the counter at the liquor store noticed i got my haircut and said it was pretty.....
first he passed out on the toilet...then hugged it and screamed no no no as i tried to pull him out
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