My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
8th day he invented the big mac, 9th he invented pop rocks, 10th day boobs.
Dude. She told me she felt bad for not giving me more blojobs. HOW COULD THAT HAVE GONE BETTER?
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
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Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
Haha he puts me in a mood mix of annoyed and... "just get in my pants"
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
P.S. If you wake up before noon it still counts as morning sex
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I think I need to see a chiropractor after giving that blow job
Okay, new plan. Get drunk, eat breadsticks. It's going to be great.
So i just remembered that thing i use to do with your butt because of shark week.
He asked me if I want to play Uber Driver, is this some new sex game or is he drunk and asking for a ride home?
Haha we both slept with guys named Brad born on may 1st. This is a proud day for sisters.
The fact that I’m not married yet means there are millions of lucky girls out there who have dodged a bullet
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