watching elf naked is so much better than watching it with clothes on .
His mom took away his car and made him quit his job.
HE'S 26!!!
well after he sqeezed a zit off his forearm i got the hell outta there
What's the protocol when you drive the girl's head into the wall during sex and she starts to cry?
I drunkenly asked a stripper to join our volleyball team.
You were so excited to be getting 4 tickets to the Whale Rodeo.... That high
It was almost as bad as the time I peed on the floor of the Pentagon's subway station.
You left wolverine marks
I'm somewhere between sorry and proud
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
I just spent 5 minutes saying how beautiful you are and you come back with dont get fat cause you have weird nipples.
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
I am never drinking with the goths again.
the best part is that i get to keep the pot plants and he still has my name tattooed on his ass
all my friends are getting married and here i am in a committed relationship with rum
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