Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
dude just did a line with screech. dude is fucking creepy
Everyone knows relationships are a winter sport
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
If people don't want my drunken phone call then TAKE YOUR FUCKING NUMER OFF OF FACEBOOK, like it's just that easy...
You're making her cookies in enchange for knitting lessons. You will die a virgin.
you did a full monologue with your sober self last night. different voices and everything.
I thought you were single?
I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.
I swear god is testing me by giving me awesome guys with tiny penises
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I was just asked if I wanted to struggle snuggle. She's a keeper
I feel like I just want to take a shot of jack, have sex, and shoot myself in the face. In that order exactly.
You know just a typical night. Eating peanut butter off of tablespoons and having sex to our favorite Christmas carols. This is my favorite time of year.
Just puked in front of a high school tour group. Based on the standing ovation, we have a solid group of freshman coming in this fall.
When I went to pick up Adam from the train station, I found him passed out, covered in gold paint and wrapped in a red blanket. someone had glued a gaudy green rhinestone to his forehead. He looked homeless.
Nope. Im a prince of the americas. I treat my women like future queens. Also, im drunk watching the royal wedding
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